For some families, meal time can become a battle field. For individuals with eating disorders, food, the kitchen, the dinning room table, the fridge, and meal time in general can be terrifying. Sometimes this fear may come out of your loved one as anger, screams, ultimatums, slamming doors, or swear words. As a result, meal time may become dreaded by you as well. Here are several strategies aimed to help make meal time less of a war zone. Try to keep these in mind when approaching your loved one to eat “one more bite”.
The 4 Cs of Meal Support
1. Be Calm
Remain calm, your loved one is going to be highly anxious around meal time and your calmness is going to help them get through this very difficult experience. Using a calm voice throughout the meal, despite their reaction or tone, will help them feel your stable and secure support while they navigate these waters.
“I know this is scary, I am here with you, we will do this together.”
2. Be Confident
Your loved one will be very scared and unsure about how much they should eat or if they can do it. They need you to be confident so that they can trust you to be in charge (for the time being) to ensure they get the nutrition their body needs but that they can’t (for the time being) give themselves on their own.
“I know this is scary, this is the amount your body needs, I know it feels like a lot, but you can do it.”
3. Be Consistent
Stick with the meal (amounts and food groups) you have decided on (always best to consult with a nutritionist or medical doctor who specializes in eating disorders). Your loved one may try to negotiate, compromise, or make ultimatums (I’ll only eat the apple if I don’t have to eat the egg) – this is their anxiety and fear talking. Meals times are terrifying for your loved one, their brain is being hijacked by this fear, and they lose access to logical thought and facts that they know (e.g. I need this food to live, food is medicine). They have to be able to rely on you to not bend to their pleas or demands. They need you to be bigger, stronger, and wiser at meal times.
“This is the amount your Doctor says you need to be healthy, this food is medicine for you, I know it’s scary, you can do it, I am here with you.”
4. Be Compassionate
Meal time is an incredibly difficult experience for your loved one. They will likely be feeling fear, anger, shame, and disgust with themselves for eating. Use the steps of emotion coaching (label their emotion, validation their emotion, provide reassurance) to help make this experience more manageable for them. Using validation leading up to, during, and after the meal, will make re-feeding an easier process for your loved one and yourself.
“I know this is scary, you see so much food on your plate, it might feel impossible to eat this much. I know you can do it, I will be here with you the whole way. Start with one bite, we can do this together.”
Additional Helpful Strategies to at Meal Time
Create a positive atmosphere
Eat together
Avoid talking about food, weight, calories, appearance, work or other topics that are stressful
Use distraction to draw attention away from the meal (puzzle, crossword, music, story telling, watch a favorite show).
Use a warm compress after meal time to help ease the physical discomfort they might feel while their body adjusts to re-feeding.
Written by, Dr. Amanda Stillar
Registered Psychologist
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